Samsung Apologizes to Wizarding Community for Instantly-Combusting Smartphones
SPONSORED BY APPLE To get ready for the upcoming Apple iPhone 7, Samsung released its new phone in late August. Known as the Samsung Galaxy Note 7, this phone was specifically designed to appeal to Samsung’s demographic of “Wizards in Training”. Upon the command of incendio!, the phone spontaneously combusts. Banned in every single airport, the phone features a 5.7 AMOLED display with an expandable 64 gigabytes of storage. The back camera has a 12 Megapixel sensor, while the front camera, also known as a “selfie camera”, has a 5 Megapixel sensor. Having a headphone jack, this phone also features a fingerprint scanner, and an iris scanner. While Apple has long been the preferred phone company of Wizards because of their media partnership with Universal Studios and Resorts Inc., its failure to include a headphone jack in their new iPhone model is worrying many wizards. “The Headphone Jack is essential for phone-to-wand connection,” Declared a professor of transfiguration who would like for the sake of not being sued by Apple to remain unnamed. “Without it, Wizards are essentially going to be simply madmen waving foot long sticks.” This phone has been used by many wizards, some as young as 7 years old to practice their Incendio charm. Results have been varied, as many have not mastered the essential second part of the incendio! Charm: throwing the projectile out of the nearest window. Samsung then issued a recall, and gave replacement Note 7s to its customers. “This is a complete travesty,” declared a Ministry spokesperson. “Now wizards have to rely on simple scrolls to practice their charms. It is a return to the Dark Ages.” The Hallway Herald is required by the Ministry of Magic to issue a warning that these phones are being used by dark wizards for practicing dark magic because of their tendency to explode. If you see a Dark Wizard, Magi, or Warlock fingering a shiny screen, or possibly paying Angry Birds on anything but an iPhone, please contact your local portkey to report your findings to a Ministry Official. On the other hand, for all those less than desirable, or unable to get back at that sneaky Potter Boy for killing your pet snake: get your phone as soon as possible before they are gone forever. _____
After Wikileaks Scandal, Putin Reveals Plan to Blame Farts on Hillary
BY CRIMEA RIVER As darkness began to loom on the evening of Sunday, October 10th outside the Kremlin in Moscow, a small piece by WikiLeaks began to dissipate on the Internet. Tagged heavily on sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace, the column revealed disturbing confidential information hidden within the layered network of the Russian government. Certain plans, greenlighted by Minister of Defense Sergey Kuzhugetovich Shoygu, expounded an intricate plan to target American infrastructure with stink bombs. More specifically, the schematic outlined the plan to "bomb that old hag: crooked Hillary Clinton". Now, while such plans may be rather expectant from the Russian government, the motive behind this conspiracy is quite sinister. The Russian government planned to initiate this hard-to-clean-using-only-air-freshener attack if, and only if, Donald J. Trump loses the U.S. Presidential election this November. Only one day after this leak, the President of Russia Vladimir Putin stepped out of the Kremlin, and confirmed the rumors in a press conference: "The Russian government plans to support any and all allies. I, as the (narcissistic) leader of our country, plan to carry out our support for our friends through certain actions, necessary as they may be." This is not the first time the Russian government has been caught in the act, as controversy as drowned the regime within the past three years. In the Russian embassy of France, for example, ambassadors were found to have microphones smuggled in their anal cavities. However, before the French General Directorate for Internal Security (DGSI) could investigate further, the ambassadors were quickly brought back to the Russian Federation. As of October 2016, the state of the ambassadors' anal cavities is still unknown. While the Russian Federation has meddled in the affairs of other nations, this threat proves to be much direr. The Russian government has stated that they would increase the number of stink-carrying warheads in their stockpile, in an effort to "one-up those douchebags at NATO". Only time, and the general election itself, can tell if this scheme will be taken into serious consideration by Putin.
Chinese Govt. Endorses Long Duck Dong for US Presidential Election.
BY I DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE B4 IT WAS COOL Even to Chinese citizens halfway around the globe, the 2016 elections have been one of polarity, drama, and the occasional hilarious meme. In fact, the Communist Party has branded this election the “supreme example of democracy at work”, and has greenlighted a backdoor, copyright infringing version of the Apprentice (except this time with even more deleted sexist comments). Thus, it is unsurprising that the Chinese Government should take an active political role to assure that its candidate comes out on top. What was surprising, however, was the candidate they ended up choosing. Many foreign policy analysts suspected a secret Chinese crush on Trump for his strong worded criticisms on the basis of democratic ideals itself and ties with Russia, while others debated that the CCCP was secretly hitting on the Clinton campaign for their lack of any significant change to current China/US foreign policy. However, this Tuesday, Chinese President Xi Jinping shocked all by revealing the official nominee for the CCCP in America Party to be communist activist and part-time investment banker Long Duck Dong. In a statement to the nation, President Xi declared, “It is clear that the most qualified Communist Candidate in the field is not Dr. Jill Stein, but our compatriot and countryman Long Duck Dong. He shall lead Chinese interests and the party to a brighter future with his campaign message of Death to the Imperialist Dogs!” Long Duck Dong, or Mister Doctor Professor Long Duck Dong, as it claims on Mr. Dong’s website Duck’sDongIsLong.net, is a China-backed protester, Wells Fargo Investment Banker, and professional scumbag. In recent years, he reached notoriety for punching a seven year old cyclist for her support of the “Falun Gong Imperialist Dogs”. In a recent campaign rally, attended by Mr. Dong and several professional clappers gifted by the Chinese government, Mr. Dong defined his policy goals as, “What is best for the American people, so that in 20 or so years, China’s Pear Phone can completely dominate the electronics trade, and finally stop receiving copyright infringement claims.” Mr. Dong is also known for his starring role alongside Molly Ringwald in the American classic Sixteen Candles.
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An Open Letter to the MTA
Dear MTA,
It’s really easy to get lost in you. You are the largest, oldest, and most used subway system in the world. You boast over 23 train lines, 50 buses, and the occasional rickshaw cart. All over five boroughs. However, despite your achievements and efforts, I have found it extremely difficult to ride you.
The simple fact is, as a citizen of New York, I can no longer find your trains. Just last week, as I was confused and in need of assistance, desperately trying to navigate your internal system to be on time for my pilates course, you betrayed me. The D was delayed for twenty minutes as I anxiously sweated and desperately waited in station to receive my ride.
Other times, it was more that I can’t find your D. I realize that in stations with one or more trains, you need to be convoluted and spontaneous to make up for the fact that people constantly leave their junk in you. And sometimes, it’s perfectly fine, you often give directions on signs and posters, and I like it when you give advanced notice.
But sometimes, there is no sign, no warning, no premonition for the tragedy revealing that I have been waiting for 20 minutes on a platform that does not even have your D, but instead, I have to descend to a lower level, and beg that the D might come then. I have had enough of that. Please, give me a sign, a warning, anything, to show me that you value my taking your D.
Perhaps it is jealousy that you get to take every other day and every weekend off. That your job is so “traumatic” and difficult that on Saturdays, half your lines do not work. Or else the fact that for the service you do provide, you claim the right to drain our wallets of three hundred precious cents, which we could much better spend on a cup of noodles, a candy bar, or a badly reproduced backdoor copy of Cars 2. (Oh yes, I went there!)
MTA, please fix yourself for me. I don’t care how long it takes to fix your greasy tunnels, dig through your layers of grime, and force that old guy who sleeps in you to take a shower; but I promise that all citizens of New York will stand by you as you renovate your infrastructure and hopefully nuke all the rats. So please do.
Sincerely, A Concerned and Loving Rider of Your D