•THE HALLWAY HERALD TRIES TO REPORT ON THE •
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
(AND THEN SOME OTHER THINGS)
NOTE: This issue is from a period in which the Herald had been run as a satirical news source.
Ivanka’s Sugar Daddy Loses Debate to Bona-Fide RepublicanBY BEN G. HAZI
Presidential Candidate (and Face Model for Cheetos) Donald Trump went head-to-head with Hillary Clinton in 2016’s first presidential debate Monday night. The Orangutan himself managed to not only emerge victorious, but to completely slide under the already low bar that was set for him by the media. Nobody knows how this supersized candy-corn managed to fit under there, especially not Gary Johnson, who spent the last week responding to even less softball questions from disgruntled reporters. Young, fit, and lively, Donald still somehow managed to roast nearly everyone during Monday’s debate, from the 400lb hackers threatening to hurt our “cyber,” to the left wing propaganda known as the Howard Stern Show. He managed to criticize virtual slavery, more commonly known as the federal income tax. Gaming the housing crisis? That’s business. Refusing to rent black people a home? Ahh--That’s also business. And how about groping your adult daughter’s nether regions after a debate? That's Fox Business, at least according to Roger Ailes. NBC’s Lester Holt did an expert job of doing exactly what the position of debate moderator entails. Nothing. Mr. Jersey Shore argued so well that he was able to lie, cheat, and plot his way through the entire debate, and no one (bar the famed “emails lady”) even bothered trying to stop him. It was incredible. As all of you can so clearly see, the real joke of a candidate this year is Hillary Clinton, who with her left-of-center stances is practically a Republican. She’s lost this debate, fair and square. After all, Donald has the realest plans, the bestest plans, and the smartest plans. |
Secretary Hilla the Hun Gets Pulverized By Orange OrangutanBY CHAAIIINA!
Presidential Candidate (and soon to be owner of a second Blackberry) Hillary Rodham Clinton competed with businessman Donald Trump for the attention and approval of American voters in the first Presidential Debate on Monday. Crooked Hillary not only emerged victorious, but also may have deleted all the emails suggesting otherwise. Though she suffered from frequent interruptions of “WRONG!” and an inability to get voters to look on her fact checker in the early moments of the debate, she was able to completely dominate the Donald on issues of domestic and foreign policy. Her liberal counterparts Senator Bernie Sanders and Dr. Jill Stein were unable to make an appearance. Senator Sanders was previously engaged in an appointment of sulking at home while Dr. Stein was nicely escorted from the debate site. Secretary Clinton made several meaningful remarks, even managing to outdo her previous memorable comment of “Pokémon Go! To the polls!” (Trademarked by the Clinton Foundation). She stressed the Angry Creamsicle’s economic plan as no more than “Trumped Up Trickle Down,” and proved to voters that it would benefit no one but Mr. Trump’s investors for his upcoming venture Trump Steaks 2.0: Muy Jugoso! (Trademarked by Trump Steaks LLC. 2016 Co.) Secretary Clinton’s real highlights came in the field of Foreign Relations and questionable morals. Secretary Clinton stressed that not only did Mr. Trump have no real plans to fight ISIS, his Middle Eastern foreign policy initiative is to “take all the oil” from Iraq and leave. Secretary Clinton also hit Mr. Trump on his unrevealed tax returns, his court case involving racism in Trump housing, and Trump’s support that President Obama is secretly the spawn of Satan. On the other hand, “The face of a butternut squash who wished on a shooting star and became a real boy” clearly won in his unscheduled debate with moderator Lester Holt. His blatant disrespect for debate rules and incessant calling out showed him to be the patient, understanding Orange Slug we know Mr. Trump to be. As all of you can so clearly see, the real joke of a candidate this year is Donald Trump, who with his constantly in flux stances is practically a Clementine? (We’re really running out of things to call Mr. Trump) He’s lost this debate, fair and square. After all, Hillary has the safest plans, the Saudi-backed plans, and the most deleted plans. ______ |