NOTE: This issue is from a period in which the Herald had been run as a satirical news source.
Hillary Clinton Diagnosed With SMSDS Syndrome
From Major New York Hospital.
Chinese Police Mistake Giant Toad for Escaped Premier, Arrests Made. On the evening of Friday, September 9th, an elite squad of police officers dispatched from the Beijing Department of Corrections were quite surprised to find that their target was not the nationally wanted former Premier Jiang Zemin, but in fact a giant balloon toad.
This is an ongoing update in a nationwide manhunt for the premier, who escaped from house arrest after stowing away in a PF Chang truck. Premier Jiang hoped to visit the nearby United States Embassy, where he hoped to bypass the Great Firewall and secure access to tickets of the hit Broadway musical Hamilton. Neither the US Embassy nor the Cast of Hamilton could be reached for comment. In a statement to the Chinese nation on Saturday, Beijing Police Chief Wang Lijin bitterly announced, “Though our leads were promising; Premier Jiang has eluded our investigation.” Mr. Wang stated his disappointment when the massive toad’s fingerprints did not match. The former Premier Jiang Zemin is primarily known for beginning the persecution of Falun Gong practitioners. His creation of the infamous 610 office secret police allowed for the genocide of several hundred thousand of the otherwise completely peaceful group. Premier Jiang began the practice of involuntary organ harvesting of Falun Gong practitioners. He is also a fan of Rebecca Black. Premier Jiang is otherwise known for being ridiculed by a viral internet meme comparing his complexion to the very toad that was arrested. The Chinese government has since banned all memes and “unruly joking”. The Beijing Police received several thousand anonymous tips from concerned citizens on Thursday, after Premier Jiang was publicly charged for sponsoring PF Chang, an organization that imports soy sauce from the United States. |
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Post-Filibuster, Democrats Drop Bill to Replace Congressional Chili
Collapsing from the podium, Representative Jim Jordan from Ohio was confident. In a winding six hour speech, Congressman Jordan addressed both our hearts and bladders on tradition, Conservative values, and what it meant to be American.
As it turns out, all you have to do to be American is like chili with red peppers. “Liberals and leftists will tell you that green peppers are better,” the Congressman declared, “But my grandfather— who was a cowboy, railroad tycoon, and secretary of agriculture— and dozens of generations of ‘Muricans have always stuck by chili with red peppers. Because we know that only real Americans can handle red peppers!”
Earlier this Tuesday, House Democrats led by Whole Foods Executive John Mackey introduced a bill suggesting a switch to green peppers for Congress’ traditional chili recipe. “Green peppers are ethically produced, bitter tasting, and are more environmentally friendly than red peppers,” Mr. Mackey Stated.
While House Democrats expected the measure to pass unopposed, Republicans led by Arizona Representative Ben Quayle stood firm in opposition. After 2 days of deadlock, the Democrats seemed to have won over some midwestern moderates with promises of founding Whole Food Organic Markets in their states.
However, Representative Quayle and cronies stood in filibuster Monday afternoon. Representative Quayle filibustered for two hours, but then careened from the floor, stating that he had “forgotten to pay his housekeeper” and that “she would be very angry.”
Representative Jordan then took over the floor, to the disappointment of many House Democrats, who had all coincidentally planned Wall Street fundraisers to be late for.
In the end, a statement from Representative Chris Van Hollen summed it up the best. “We and our bowels patiently await the day in which Congress will have the courage for proactive and real gastronomical change.”